Aries (March 21- April 19)
I know January is tough on you; the social calendar seems so bleak with all the holiday parties over. What’s a social superstar to do? Well, my little babies of the universe, we’re all being asked to make profound choices this month. There’s actually a lot going on, in the heavens above and here in lil ol’ Asheville down below. The beauty is that there are no bad choices, if you are paying attention and loving every minute of whatever it is you chose. So, do you want to opt for being an audience member at The Orange Peel and let Margaret Cho make you laugh until your face falls off or do you want to get freaky-deaky decked to the nines at the Asheville Fringe Arts Festival, where you can be a spectator of the arts and be on display yourself while you hobnob with hipsters? Either way, this month promises to illuminate your soul.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I adore your optimism and patience; however, with so many life-altering choices facing us this month, you need to be a bit more shrewd and decisive. So when you find yourself approaching that traffic circle on Clingman, remember it’s a yield sign, not a stop sign. While it might seem nice to just sit there and kindly wave on other travelers, you’re actually screwing up the flow, slowing down your own progress, and pissing off the people behind you that have shit to do. I want you to take this literally and metaphorically and, furthermore, you should be looking for clues everywhere this month that remind you of the endless options you have and work on how quickly and mindfully you can navigate them.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Get yourselves together this month and come up with a plan to embrace the new and improved you(s) that touches and enhances the lives of all of us. Channel all that chatter in your brain toward loving kindness and being the good friend/partner/employee/employer that you yourself want to have in your life. Imagine that you are like the French Broad River in summer lovingly embracing everyone and serenely delivering us all to our blissful destinations. In this way you will also be delivered into a state of bliss. Even if someone pisses in your rolling, loving tides, roll on, my twins, roll on, because it’s actually the dirty shit you’re gonna push along this month that changes you for the better.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
While it’s good to have goals and aspire to the qualities of the people who inspire and support you, it doesn’t do you any good to pretend to be what you are not. Masks and costumes are fun to wear to parties, but every day of the rest of your life can’t be a party—and the person you keep hiding beneath all that glitter and goop is a natural beauty, exquisitely simple, overpoweringly humble, and effortlessly talented. This is a time of profound life-altering choices that needs to reflect your soul’s growth, but that doesn’t mean you have to go see an independent film that’s over your head at the Fine Arts Theater when what you really need is to see Frankenweenie in 3D at Asheville Pizza Company. You’re going to feel a lot more comfortable in your own skin and everyone around you will also feel more comfortable if you accept your authentic, silly self.
Leo (July 23- Aug 22)
I absolutely despise you, with the deepest compassion and sympathy. Seems like a contradiction, doesn’t it? Some paradoxes are functional, while others fall flat revealing inherent falsehoods. Lately, the choices you’ve been making don’t add up to what you claim are your values. Time to walk the talk and stop running that mouth of yours. This may be a good time to just stay home for a change, REFRAIN, REFLECT, and REWIRE your soul. Anyways, everyone’s really tired of seeing you skulking around Broadway’s all the time, and you don’t want to end up being a part of that worn out kitschy dive bar decor, do you? You were born to shine bright from your heart center, not fade into the background of repetitive, bad, counterproductive, and stale choices.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
If you embodied any more detached loving kindness and discipline, I’d swear you were the Messiah. This month is all about deep profound changes and the choices we make that get us there. Quit being so damned perfect. Have a cookie, skip the Rush, the Y, or yoga, and make a run for the Cook-Out drive through and get a corn dog in the middle of the day, even though you actually have time to make a healthy, sensible meal. On the other hand, if you spent December making the aforementioned choices, then put down the cookie, stop looking at Facebook, and go take a hot yoga or salsa dance class. I promise you the juxtaposition will enlighten you and perfect your soul’s evolution.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
There will be days this month that may tip your scales into a frenzy of hostility and impatience. You’re a busy person with so many things to accomplish, but one of the things you sometimes ignore is the need to get out of your head, look around, and appreciate the big picture. So when you find yourself stuck in traffic on Tunnel Road and ready to blow a fuse, stop and look up at the sky and the mountains. Forget your list of to-do’s and, for just a moment, love your surroundings. Yes, that’s right, love being stuck on Tunnel Road because it’s beautiful. Isn’t that amazing? If you can find beauty in the skyline above the Mountaineer Inn, there’s nothing that will stand in the way of you becoming the enlightened creature that a balanced outlook will make you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Stop asking the universe “What else?” unless you are really prepared to face more of life’s brutal ambiguity and seemingly random acts of attrition against you. Instead, say “thank you” to the universe for that lesson you have learned. You are ready now to move on and receive the rewards you’ve worked so hard for. Don’t get mad at the world when you stop into Earth Fare to grab some soup real quick on your way to work only to discover that all the soup bins are empty. Take responsibility for the fact that you waited until the last minute to eat because you were wasting time stalking someone on Facebook and cut that shit out! Withdraw from useless rage against the underpaid, albeit ineffective, soup makers at Earth Fare and focus all that passion into creating the life you want by setting your deadly obsessive intention on abundance and success.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Tremendous momentum toward the goals you want to achieve will be set in motion during this month. You are in the unique position to accelerate toward your wildest dreams in a quantum-leap-cosmic-energetic-time-warp kind of way. I don’t mean to get all crystal loving and light and law of attraction on your fiery ass, but, please pay attention. It’ll be kind of like when everyone’s stopped at the last light before the Patton Bridge heading into downtown and you have the foresight and knowledge to shoot the loop and bypass the traffic … so long suckas! Prepare to be amazed, just make sure not to get tangled up in an accident with one of the idiots who doesn’t know how to merge onto the highway.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
You have the universe’s permission to kill yourself with kindness this month, and I’m not talking about moping around your house allowing yourself to wallow in the murky depths of solitude, lamenting on the big picture and your purpose in life. That type of self-care had its place in coping with the world and all the changes you went through in 2012, but enough is enough. Your only options this month are gratuitous self love and splendor for the sake of the self, and, in the end, for the sake of others. Get a group of your favorite four people together and take a road trip to Hot Springs and bring plenty of wine, cheese, and chocolate, or treat yourself to some deliciously expensive cuisine at The Admiral. Don’t you dare worry about the money or whether or not anyone besides you is having a good time. Believe me, everyone who is in your presence when you are truly loving yourself is having the time of his or her life.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Do I need to just come over there and slap the shit out of you? How many times have you broken things down with your friends so logically and accurately and with such detached and rational insight when it came to choices and decisions they were making that weren’t any good for them? Get it together and take all of the advice you’ve been giving everyone else and stick with it. Seriously, if you keep getting spotted at every bar on Haywood Road with that person who ain’t no good for you again and again you’re going to get a beer dumped on you. This is the month to make big decisions that carry you into a very long phase that needs to be productive and healthy, so either ditch the bitch or start frequenting the pubs in South Asheville where we don’t have to witness your reckless downward spiral.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
The secret is … do you really think there is a secret, concrete answer to the mystery of life and love? It’s tough for the watery romantic types. I believe, though, that the only way for you to find the happiness that’s eluding you is to just keep your passion for seeking out the heart of every matter alive. Spend at least an hour every week this January browsing books at Malaprop’s. While you’re there, go to a book section you wouldn’t normally go to, close your eyes, and pick up something at random and give it your undivided and unbiased attention, at least for five minutes, before you make another selection. It is in your quest to find what gives your life meaning. Never stop searching or questioning this life. This is the secret to your happiness and success and how you find and/or maintain true love.
JP Thunderstruck is an intuitive astrologer in Asheville and general badass. You’ve been Thunderstruck!